The Art of Reassurance-Seeking & Its Role in OCD

You ask someone you trust a quick question:

“Do you think that sounded rude?”

“Are you sure everything is okay?”

“Does this make me a bad person?”

They reassure you, and for a moment the anxiety settles.

But then the doubt comes back.

So you ask again.

Or you ask someone else.

Or you Google it.

If this cycle sounds familiar, you might be caught in one of the most common patterns in OCD: reassurance-seeking.

Why Reassurance-Seeking is Harmful

What feels harmless and helpful is actually fueling OCD in the background. Reassurance-seeking, along with other compulsions, keep OCD going by:

» Reinforcing the fear and the idea that discomfort/uncertainty are bad. If we try to get rid of it, then it must be harmful, right?

» Taking away opportunities to disprove the fear and see first-hand what you are capable of navigating

» Teaching you that you are not capable of handling distress on your own, and you need others to navigate difficult moments

» Supporting the idea that discomfort will never go away unless you do something about it

» Reducing self-trust & confidence in managing stressors

It's important to note that reassurance-seeking is not bad in and of itself. Seeking reassurance is a normal human way of looking for connection, safety, and perspective. However, in the context of OCD, reassurance can become a compulsion. It provides short-term relief, while unintentionally strengthening the cycle of doubt and anxiety that keeps OCD going.

Forms of Reassurance-Seeking

When we think of reassurance-seeking, these phrases typically come to mind:

"Do you think something bad will happen?"

"Are you sure this is okay?"

"Do you promise I’m not a bad person?"

However, reassurance-seeking doesn’t always look like this. Sometimes it sounds like curiosity, a conversation, or fact-checking, making it very easy to miss or go unnoticed. What determines whether or not a behavior is reassurance-seeking is based on the motivation behind it: is this a question we genuinely need information on in this moment, or are we asking with the goal to feel better and reduce discomfort? Do we have the answer to this already, and are we just looking for relief?

It’s important to be able to identify reassurance-seeking in all its forms to prevent unknowingly feeding into OCD. Examples of subtle reassurance-seeking tactics can include, but aren't limited to:

» Retelling the same story multiple times to different people

» Checking facial expressions when sharing something

» Asking others to confirm memories / how something happened

» Asking slightly different versions of the same question

» Searching online for answers and/or reading Reddit forums to hear about other people's experiences

» Asking AI or other online tools for certainty about a fear

» Asking others under the guise of advice, their opinion, or to get a second perspective and comparing it to your experience

This can sound like:

» “How are you feeling today?”

» “What did you think of that restaurant? Did you like the food you ordered?”

» “Did you see that recent news story? What do you think is going to happen?”

» “(Name) seemed off today, don’t you think?”

» “Have you ever experienced (physical sensation) before?”

So What Do We Say Instead?

So when someone asks us for reassurance, subtly or overtly, what do we say instead? We want to provide our loved one with support, and we don't like to see them upset, so how do we help them without feeding into the problem?

In therapy, we slowly address avoided situations so the client can gain new skills, grow their confidence, and learn that they are much more capable of doing hard things than they think they are. We want to empower the client, and allow them to see that compulsions are actually the problem, even if they provide short-term relief. Part of this process involves no longer providing them with reassurance when they ask. Instead, we want to find ways to support the person themselves, not their OCD.

Here are some alternative responses that emphasize support and empathy that you can use when your loved one asks for reassurance:

» It sounds like OCD might be showing up, is this reassurance-seeking?

» I want to help you, not your anxiety so I won’t answer that.

» You have the tools you need to get through this.

» You’ve been working hard, you got this.

» It seems like you're engaging with your anxiety, but it's not helpful for me to say anything more. Have you tried using your alternative tools?

» I'm noticing you are getting hooked by your anxiety, are there other things you can do instead?

» I know this is difficult, but there are alternative options you can choose other than engaging with your anxiety. What might those be?

» You've done hard things before. What would it look like to engage in something that is in line with your goals/values?

Cheering you on! 🥳

Julia